


Again

by Crucified_To_A_Star



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Reincarnation, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 11:50:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14236668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crucified_To_A_Star/pseuds/Crucified_To_A_Star
Summary: The anxiety of losing Dan has haunted Phil since they met, an irrational insecurity they both brushed off often. Neither of them know truly just how many times Phil has searched the Earth for Daniel, trying to fill the empty spot next to him that always feels cold unless he's there. Phil will always find Daniel again.Based off of the poem Again by Rudy Francisco.





	Again

**Author's Note:**

> The poem this is based off of is one of my favorites. It breaks my heart in a wonderful way and I suggest reading it either before or after reading this, otherwise the inspiration for this will have been lost. I framed this around the poem heavily. Also, obviously in each new scene they have different names and races to the irl dnp; I just felt like if I gave them new identities it would be very confusing. They obviously change per setting their in, I just don’t want to detail it too much lest it lose its point.

“Phil? What’s wrong?” Dan’s voice broke into Phil’s mind, a welcomed intruder.  
Phil had been grasping at Dan with a feverish and panic stricken urgency. He cornered him in the kitchen as he was trying to grab bowls for their morning cereal, wrapping his body around Dan’s in a possessive manner. His hands had groped at his body in a non-sexual way, feeling everything from the soft flannel pajamas to the old tee shirt and his soft, warm morning skin. He was reassuring himself through touch, a grounding sensation of existence. He was reminding himself that Daniel still existed and was still in his life. He hadn’t spoken to Dan throughout, startling the younger man. Phil broke finally, Dan’s words waking him from the panicked trance, “Sorry,” He said sheepishly, Dan turning in his arms to face him, “I just got the urge to hold you. I felt as though I was about to lose you. I don’t want to lose you again.”  
The words didn’t make sense to Phil, but he had spoken them without thinking, and Dan picked up on it first. “Again? Phil you haven’t lost me. You never will. I don’t want to leave.” Phil nodded.  
Dan looked beautiful this morning, Phil realized suddenly. The darkness under his eyes wasn’t nearly as pronounced, the brown glowing like honeyed amber in the morning light and his bedhead curls made him look boyish and young. Daniel was beautiful. Phil was so lucky to have him and suddenly he felt like a hundred years on Earth wasn’t enough time to truly appreciate everything that was Daniel.  
Phil smiled gently and pressed a kiss to the mess of curls. “I am so lucky to have you. It feels like I’ve been trying to keep you for eternity and now I am finally able to have you.”  
Dan’s cheeks glowed brightly, his freckles and eyes standing out even more against the pink. “You’re distracting me from my cereal, Phil.”  
Phil laughed and kissed his warm cheek, releasing him. The anxiety wasn’t gnawing away at him any longer, but there was still something so antique feeling about the act of holding Daniel. It felt like he had memorized the pattern of his body centuries ago and along with it, the heavy weight of losing him that sunk in his stomach like a piece of lead. Phil ignored it, though, passing it off as jittery nerves from too many cups of coffee on an empty stomach.  
Phil didn’t realize the fact that he had had Daniel before. Many, many times. The familiarity of holding him was not of the physical body, but the soul that resided inside. Phil had held Dan’s soul in his own and lost him repeatedly, the fear of losing him innate and instinctual.

 

One of the first times Phil had ever seen Daniel was in the early Dark Ages. Phil had been a stable boy for a noble family, lucky enough to have gotten the chance to work for them. Daniel had appeared in the body of a rich heiress married young to a much older man with a child already accompanying them, dressed in deep purples and reds. Phil had only been able to take their horses as they visited, no words exchanged between them, but he felt the pull to the rich woman. Their eyes met briefly, before Daniel was gone and Phil was left to imagine her and the stunning shade of brown that pooled in her eyes for the rest of his life.  
Phil died young as everyone did in those times, coming back as a slave in Egypt. The sun was hot, the sky a consistent shade of ice blue that seemed to never end without a single cloud in sight. The days were long and hard and building tombs wasn’t the most uplifting job in general, let alone being whipped to do so. It happened on accident, the day he saw Daniel in the newest form. He was the son of the Horus, with thick black and blue kohl wrapping his eyes like a mask. The brown of his eyes glowed under the sun like gems lost in the Nile. They had made eye contact, Daniel above him on the back of a camel. He was wearing a gold keffiyeh that brought out the olive tone in his skin wonderfully. Phil wasn’t able to take his eyes from him and oddly enough, Daniel’s lingered on him as well. Two beatings later, though, Phil was back to work. It wasn’t so dreary after their first encounter, though.  
Phil prayed often to the Gods now, asking for a way to see him again, for anything. Phil couldn’t remove his mind from him. He prayed to Hathor for some guidance in exploring the newest emotion to grace him that he pegged as love. He prayed to Ra to continue shining and blessing the world with his protection. He prayed to the Gods for the first time in a long time and it seemed that it worked.  
Daniel found him one night in the designated praying area for the slaves. It wasn’t furnished well enough to be considered a temple, but rather a dingy room with soft candle lighting and statues and offerings. Phil wasn’t complaining though. Seeing Daniel in the room was unnatural. He looked too beautiful to be in such a place, too beautiful to be in an area that could taint him so quickly. He was lovely, even in this body Phil knew that Daniel would always be beautiful to him.  
“I saw you staring the other day. I’m sorry about the lashings.” Daniel’s voice was even, smooth, beautiful. It fit him. Everything about him suited him. Phil couldn’t take his eyes off of him.  
“I apologize for staring.” Phil’s head was bowed, though he stayed on his knees where he had been praying in front of the statuette of Ra.  
Daniel shook his head, drawing Phil’s eyes back to his face. His dark skin shimmered with gold powder, the blue outlining his eyes making them appear more brown, the candlelight sharpening his cheekbones and nose nicely. Phil knew his face was not the same as the last time he had seen him, but he knew that he had seen him before, the Gods whispering fate in his ears. “Please, stand. I wish to see all of you.”  
It wasn’t a request that Phil was unfamiliar with. He stood quickly, his tongue held tight, as he would not disobey royalty. Such would have him executed.  
Daniel’s hands were on his body sooner than expected; trailing the muscles, bones, scars, and current wounds with an awe that Phil couldn’t explain. The feeling of him tracing his body was not unfamiliar and was intoxicating, nearly erotic. It left trails of fire burning across his skin wherever his fingertips trailed and left. Phil felt his heart clump in his throat, his body reacting unexpectedly to him.  
“I feel as though the Gods have settled you on my platter for a reason.” Daniel’s eyes were mischievous and Phil knew at that moment that he would follow him anywhere. He knew his soul was bound to his. There wasn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for the soul in front of him. He prayed to the Gods to let him have one taste of happiness.  
“I have prayed and prayed that I could see you again.” Phil admitted quietly, his voice breathy and scratchy.  
Daniel seemed pleased with this, his gaze having not left him once. Daniel trailed a hand over his shoulder, tracing the outline of his clavicle and tendons gently. The touch sent shivers throughout Phil’s body. It was night now, he was sure, and he was definitely supposed to be in his quarters by now, but he didn’t want to leave the dim candle lighting and evening chill. He was rooted firmly in place, a hand of the Gods forcing him to stay. Daniel’s eyes were still mischievous, the glare in them sharp and akin to the touch of the candle fire. “Why did you wish to see me again so badly?”  
“You haven’t left my mind once, nsw bity. I admired you when you stood by your father, the Horus. I could not take my eyes from you, though.” The words were easy to say, as if he wasn’t speaking to the future King and as if he wasn’t a slave. In the room filled with flickering warmth and dancing shadows of Gods, the two stood equal. Just two simple souls caught together in a dance that Phil believed they might be trapped in forever, though he did not believe he wished to exit the dance. The Gods certainly laid out a path for him, one that he was intrigued to follow through.  
“Awfully bold statements.” He wasn’t offended. “You speak as though you level yourself with a God.”  
“I speak only of language spoken to me from the Gods.” Phil countered, “I place myself on the level of a servant, his tongue slick with words spoken after prayers. I do not count myself a God, but a child of them, as you.”  
“The bravery of such,” Daniel’s eyebrow raised, the gold glinting dangerously, “I ask, what did you plan for once we met, since you prayed so long?”  
Phil’s face flushed, though he wasn’t certain why. He hadn’t truly thought that part through. He only had prayed to see him again. “I am unsure.”  
“Hm, so there are some things you have yet to foretell. I will tell you what I prayed for.” Daniel’s tone wasn’t malicious, but there was an edge to it. He was a cobra; beautiful, sleek, and eye catching, but deadly. Phil was practically salivating at him. The scent of ash and candle wax and dirt was suddenly overwhelming; the sight of the Horus’s son dressed in fine silks and sheer scarves, covered in gold painted tattoos was sinful. Everything felt right in the moment, but also felt like he was creating sin. Daniel slipped one sheer scarf from his body, half his chest exposed to the empty room. “I prayed I would be able to take my first consort. Honestly, the Horus doesn’t wish me to until my time to be King, but life is so boring without any adventure.”  
“Who would you pick?” Phil asked, the question sounding stupid even to his own ears, but he wanted to hear the words roll from his tongue like venom. “Who would be your first consort?”  
“I have already chosen you. My father says I am to be King and so I must make my own decisions. If I let him nullify my wishes so easily I will never be fit for the title of the Horus. I will remain but a son lost to time and a sibling will surpass me. I will choose as a future King. I have decided upon you.”  
It was finalized in the small praying room that night. The dirt floor wasn’t the ideal place to have sex on, but it possibly wasn’t the worst. The walls weren’t bad either, but sandstone was only comfortable for so long. The candles never burned out and the statuettes never blinked and afterwards, when they separated to head to their respective quarters, Phil swore he felt the eyes of Hathor following him.  
They met many times after the first, the praying room being their most common spot, though occasionally there would be times that the stables and watering hole and bathing hall would be used. Once or twice within the royal villa whilst the Horus was on leave. Everything was going smoothly, beautifully, fate having been kind to Phil.  
As usual, though, it had to end. The Horus found out that his son was taking a lover that was a slave and pushed to have Phil executed. The Horus required Daniel to do it and with a shaking breath Phil asked him to. He wanted him to become the King someday, having been able to know and love the man he was. Phil wanted him to be the kind of King the people deserved and so Daniel did. The obsidian blade pierced skin, flesh, and bone easily, straight through his heart. Phil’s eyes held Daniel’s golden ones as the world faded from them. He didn’t regret loving the Nesu Bity, but he certainly wished for more time. Daniel whispered a prayer to Anubis, begging for his soul to be cared for, knowing it would pass his test. Phil whispered his name one time through bleeding lips, before that chapter was over.

The next time Phil and Daniel met it wasn’t for a long period. Phil had kept searching, kept whispering the longing into the wind, hoping that at some point he would catch on, but he never did. Instead, Phil found himself in Pireas, Greece, pre-Rome. The Mediterranean summer scorching, but the breeze refreshing and salty. The world tasted new and fresh and lovely. He wasn’t sure what he was searching for in life, but he felt like something had been missing from him for ages. He always felt like the space besides him didn’t belong empty and the fact that it was empty, was wrong.  
He was certain it was a message from the Gods, Aphrodite wishing love upon him. The Three Sisters of Fate could be cruel sometimes, but Phil had a feeling it was a genuinely pure emotion he felt when he thought of the loneliness around him.  
It wasn’t until one day that he travelled to Athens in search of a weaver with the craft of sewing silk that he stumbled across a brown eyed boy with nimble fingers and a knack for textiles. He wasn’t the tailor that he had been searching for, but Phil couldn’t find it in him to continue on his journey. Something in him said to stop and meet the boy and bring him home with him.  
So, Phil did.  
He learned that Daniel was an orphan in this life, his father having died in battle and his mother having committed suicide in mourning over the loss of her love, a true Greek tragedy. He had worked as a craftsman for years, but he hadn’t had luck in starting his own business. Phil decided he could help.  
It didn’t take long for Phil to realize that Daniel was the one who needed to fill the space next to him in life, that the spot that was missing was perfectly designed for him, a stencil of sorts.  
Daniel was an amazing craftsman and could do almost anything with his hands. He built beautiful structures for decoration around Phil’s small house, soft blankets, clothes, and even furniture. Phil couldn’t believe his luck in having found the boy.  
Daniel was half his age in this life, much smaller, and much meeker. Phil felt as though this wasn’t normal for him, but it certainly wasn’t a bad thing. Phil knew, somehow, that eventually he would make up for his quiet existence in this life. Eventually, he wouldn’t be so reserved. Eventually, he wouldn’t be so small and shy.  
It wasn’t until the night where a thunderstorm hit, three years after him bringing Daniel home, that Daniel crawled into bed with Phil, hiding from the lightning, that Phil realized how strong his attraction to him was.  
“I’m sorry,” Daniel kept apologizing, but would whimper every time a bolt struck outside. He was no longer small and lanky, having filled out nicely as he aged. He wasn’t much taller than before, but muscles lined his body in ways that they didn’t before and as he neared seventeen, Phil was realizing the fact that he had grown into his existence well.  
“Do not apologize,” Phil said softly, brushing his thick curly hair, the dark knots wrapping around his nimble fingers easily, “Fear is not a burden. It is a trait we all must carry at some point, as we are not Gods. Please do not apologize for trusting me to protect you in your time of fear.”  
Daniel nodded and curled into Phil at another loud rolling clap. “How can you not be scared?”  
“I do not fear Zeus. He would not kill me without my string being cut. If I die, it is because I am meant to. I do not fear death.” Phil’s voice wasn’t harsh or stern, but rather kind and gentle.  
“What do you fear, then?” Daniel’s eyes were glossy as they met Phil’s.  
It felt like a loaded question, the words heavy in the air like the humidity of the thunderstorm. Phil’s tongue felt dry as he spoke, “I fear being alone more than anything, but since you have come, I fear nothing.”  
Daniel seemed to consider his words. “I am your protector, too, then? You allow me to be around you when you are vulnerable?”  
Phil’s mouth wasn’t working any longer, his tongue heavy, mouth full of cotton. It felt like he had drank a whole bottle of wine. He nodded instead of speaking. Bright brown eyes glowed in the next spark of lighting and by the time the thunder came rolling over them, Daniel’s lips were on Phil’s. They were inexperienced and sloppy and warm and wet and once again that night Phil felt a body that would fade but a soul that was eternal.  
They were lovers for years, until the age difference caught up to them and Phil was drug to the next life without Daniel. For the next several lives Phil was searching endlessly again. Once he was an ant, another he was a tree with initials of lovers carved into him. He saw Daniel at one point, in the body of a woman, eating at a picnic with a soul that wasn’t Phil. They weren’t meant to be together and Phil knew that Daniel felt happy, but not right, and eventually, they too passed. Phil was cut down one day and his next life started again.

 

One of the weirder times in Phil’s cycle was when he was a female flapper in 1920’s America. He was in a relationship with another man at the time that ran a small section of the mafia in their town, but at the bar one night a man drinking straight whisky with the most alluring brown eyes caught him off guard.  
“I like your dress, ma’am.” The silver and black fringe dress was a casual in fashion of the time, the grey feathers and excessive pewter jewelry all a sign of the times.  
“Thank you,” He said, his voice light and airy, the perfect sound of femininity.  
“You here with that john?” His head crooked and signaled to Phil’s partner.  
“Yes,” Phil was quick to respond, “What about you? Here alone?”  
“Yes,” Daniel responded just as quickly, “And I’m sorry you got dragged into this.”  
The kiss that Daniel gave Phil at that point was chaste and tasted like whisky and cigarettes and Phil’s rouge. Everything felt right, up until Daniel pulled a gun and shot Phil’s fiancé. Everything happened too quick for Phil to be able to track and before he knew it he was back to searching for a body again.

Phil searched for years again, travelling as animals and insects across the globe in search of something he didn’t know. He didn’t know what he was looking for but he knew it was missing and he needed it. He prayed in many religions, he spoke many languages, he saw everything in the world thrice over, but every time he started again, he always knew there was something missing. There was one thing in each time that wasn’t there and it didn’t matter how much he did in that life, it wasn’t complete. So at the end of his time, Phil died again and again, until he made it to his life in 1987, UK.  
He grew and grew, in an age that became more modern than anticipated and he felt more outdated as the time passed. He was an old soul, but had a young heart and a youthful outlook. He was boisterous, warm, and happy. There was still something missing, though, and for years he didn’t know what. Even as a young child, there had always been something missing from him. It was a constant search and he knew it.  
Eventually he was working on the internet and through a long period of interactions, he met a brown eyed boy named Daniel. Something about him felt right, like he had finally found what he had been searching for. It took years, but eventually, they lived together. The moment that they signed onto a lease together, everything clicked into place. Everything was right in that moment, an undeniable sense of satisfaction and pure content had washed through Phil like ice water in his veins.  
After ten years, though, of existing together, Phil still couldn’t shake the feeling of being terrified of losing him. He never understood why there was such an insecurity there, but he always felt it when the world was quiet and Daniel was asleep. Phil had watched Daniel grow, had taken his entire youth. Daniel talked about death a lot and his excitement for it, but Phil was the opposite. He was mortified of the idea of death and would occasionally wish for immortality. Immortality wouldn’t come though. Phil knew that he was going to die and he would have to search for Daniel all over again.  
“Daniel,” Phil choked suddenly from the breakfast bar, the heaviness washing over him for the second time that morning.  
Dan turned quickly, confusion blanketing his expression. Phil had just sat after their exchange, it hadn't even been a full minute since he had been fine. “What’s wrong? Phil, are you okay?” Dan came to him, forgetting the half poured cereal.  
Dan came to stand in front of him, Phil immediately wrapping him in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I just don’t want to lose you.”  
“Phil, you won’t lose me. I think I’ve already established that I don’t function well alone.” Dan stroked his hair softly, the quiff flat and natural from sleep, his tone light as an attempt to lighten the mood. “I like being here with you. I won’t leave.”  
“If you leave, I’ll find you again.” Phil’s eyes were wet and as they met Dan’s they became intense, but not uncomfortable. Dan was weaker in his arms after the eye contact, a physical reaction to the emotions that were undoubtedly playing through his mind. Phil repeated himself, his voice gravelly, “If you leave, I will find you again. I’ll always find you.”  
Dan’s smile was soft and his warm brown eyes familiar. There was something so ancient and repetitive about this moment, something so routine. It was like they had done this thousands of times before, like Phil had stared into the espresso colored pools many times before. It felt familiar, nostalgic, primordial, but also new, exciting, and different. Phil felt like they had been here before but also like nothing was the same except for them. The times changed, but their souls stayed the same.  
“You won’t lose me.” Dan was quiet as he spoke, but the apartment was silent enough for his words to echo through like they travelled in time, an archaic power lingering behind them. “Now, can we eat? I'm starving.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wondering if I should turn this into a series where I detail each time they meet? Unsure yet. Hope you enjoyed either way as this was completely different for my typical writing xx


End file.
